Rings a bell
JUST a slice of modern life: Robert Thompson in Bearsden tells us: “I was travelling on the 60 bus along Maryhill Road last week when a lady came on in her housecoat, nightie and slippers. She told the driver she was only coming on to collect a copy of the free paper before she got back off again.”

Baring her soul
SCOTS singer Horse McDonald has been inducted into the Saltire Society’s Outstanding Women of Scotland Hall of Fame. 
We must pass on her story about an interruption at a concert. Said Horse: “I was in the midst of a really sad and personal song, my eyes 
were tightly shut. I began to hear laughter. 
“I opened one eye to see a woman being dragged away pulling her T-shirt up to her neck – must have been a ‘taps aff’ kind of day because she was completely naked under the T-shirt, showing off her cupcakes – I still have visions to this day. Tom Jones eat your heart out!”

Lionising the chancellor
BUDGET yesterday, so we turn to writer David Schneider to explain it to us: “Chancellor Philip Hammond said in his speech, ‘We are the party of the NHS’.
“In other news, lions are the health and safety executive for antelopes.”

A bit of a tube
THE other landmark yesterday was International Women’s Day. Glasgow stand-up Janey Godley marked the occasion on social media with the story: “This is what being a woman feels like. Glasgow Tube. Ticket machine never worked so the man behind the counter sighed and said ‘Women’ and told me I was doing it wrong and shouted instructions at me doing hand signals at my head like I was mentally ill. 
“A man came along and the next machine never worked either, and the man came out and they discussed why it never worked. This was two days ago.”
Hacked off
THE Herald reported that Professor Stephen Hawking has called for Jeremy Corbyn to stand down as Labour leader, claiming he is a “disaster” for the party.
Naturally we turn to social media for a paranoid reaction where someone posted: “Who knows if it is Hawking who said that? For all we know MI5 could have hacked his machine. Corbyn terrifies the establishment, they will stop at nothing to remove him.”

Shocking admission
A  READER emails: “My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, she’s in for a shock.”

We’ll drink to that
A WHISKY distillery is being planned for Leith  near the Ocean Terminal shopping centre and close to the Royal Yacht Britannia. Ian Stirling, one of the partners in Port of Leith Distillery, read a comment online about it where a critic wrote: “More poison being manufactured and subsequently consumed by the weak of mind.” He says he was so taken with it that he has promised to put it on a T-shirt to sell at the gift shop.

Grin and bear it
TODAY’S piece of whimsy comes from a reader who says: “Apparently, if you’re being chased by a bear you should play dead. Sounds suspiciously like something a bear would say.”