Sticky situation
LOOKING forward to former Celtic star, now football commentator, Charlie Nicholas’s interview in this Saturday’s Herald Magazine. Charlie was able to confirm to interviewer Teddy Jamieson the infamous story of him tearing up a £20 note in front of a bothersome fan.
Said Charlie: “I think I was 17, 18. I shouldn’t have been allowed in the pub. There was this guy giving me earache all night. ‘I’m better than you. I’m better than you.’. Eventually I went into the gents and he was right at my back and he gave it to me again. So I eventually I took the £20 and said, ‘Can you do this?’ Then I ripped up the 20 quid and threw it on the ground and walked out. Two minutes later he came out and went to his mates and he looked a bit sheepish. My point was made and I sprinted straight back into the toilet to get the £20 note to Sellotape it up.”

Going ape 
BIT of a stooshie over Tory grandees claiming Britain should be ready to go to war with Spain over Gibraltar post Brexit. A reader phones to warn us: “Why are we even bothering with Gibraltar? Has no one seen Planet of the Apes? These monkeys are deadly.”

Running gag
IT’S the London Marathon later this month. A west end reader tells her pals: “Well folks, wish me luck! London Marathon is nearly here again. Last time I managed three hours and ten minutes. I’m going to try my hardest to beat my personal best – but I just get so bored, and 
end up turning over to watch something else.”

Read all about it
READER Martin Morrison muses: “My ten-year-old son and his school class are learning about newspapers at school just now. He and a few others have been tasked with creating a front page of their own newspaper. I asked what stories they’d have on it and he told me that they had to make stuff up. These kids have glittering careers ahead of them.”

Wounding words
ARTIFICIAL limbs continued. Entertainer Andy Cameron, a bit of a Rangers fan it has to be said, recalls: “Just sitting here recovering from a hip replacement and I’m reminded of my old pal Andra Bain who at the
age of 18 was wounded in January 1945. In spite of only having one leg Andra travelled all over Europe to see his beloved Rangers and in 1983 as we sped along the autobahn heading to Cologne we passed a massive road sign and Andra declared, ‘Oh, look Gelsenkirchen, that’s where I lost ma leg’. Someone on the other side of the bus shouted,’Whit? Dae ye want us tae stoap and look for it?’”

Name game
WONDERS Alasdair MacKenzie: “Saw a company van for ‘Flair Rugs’. Where else would you put them?’

High water mark
CONGRATULATIONS on Celtic winning the league yesterday. As 
one of the online bookmaking sites summed it up: “Breaking news: Celtic have won the Scottish Premiership! In other news, 
water is wet.”

Google has last laugh
WHICH reminds me that it was April Fool’s Day on Saturday. As one reader put it: “The one and only day of the year when you read something on the internet and actually bother 
to find out if it is real before 
believing it.”