Give that man a medal
OUR story about the new section of the M8 at Newhouse reminds Matt Vallance: “Back in 1960, around the time of the Rome Olympics, my gaffer was done for speeding on that stretch of what was then the A8. This was before the police used radar, so he was timed by two polis over a measured section, and, when stopped, he was told how fast his time for the measured section had been. 
“Being a Glaswegian, he replied, ‘Great, what colour of medal do
I get?’”

That’s a belter
BEFORE we put our tawse stories back in the drawer, Sandra Scott tells us: “I was a teacher at Whitehill Secondary on the last day of term before the belt would be banned by law. That afternoon a teacher came over the Tannoy to say if anyone wanted to be belted on this historic day they were to report to the headteacher’s office.
“A queue formed down the stairs and the volunteers were belted ‘ live on air’ over the Tannoy.”

Taking a flier
FOLK are still talking about the passenger being thrown off a United Airlines flight in America. Asks Lindsay Young: “So Oscar Munoz, chief executive of United Airlines, will not leave voluntarily.
“Could they not just call security to solve the problem?”

Had his chips
AFTER our mention of celebrity chef Heston Blumenthal, reader John Crawford remarks: “Heston and his quaint recipes – he serves ‘twice and thrice cooked chips’ as a delicacy. In the Garnock Valley in the 60s we called these ‘reheats’ and moaned if there were too many of them in a poke of chips.”

Taking a dump
MORE on incident logs at work and a reader tells us about an opencast coal site near Cumnock, where it was recorded that a dump-truck driver had reversed over the foreman fitter’s car, flattening it.
Says our reader: “The site manager asked, ‘Was he in his car when it got flattened?’ On being told the car had been empty, the SM merely commented, ‘Pity’.”

What she really means
SAYS Kate Woods: “Was reading the Diary story about the man being told by his wife ‘I hope you’re happy’ and it made me think of all the things we women say to men that they do not seem to ‘get’. 
“As in ‘That’s ok’ which means ‘You will, at sometime, when you least expect it, pay for your mistake’ and ‘Well, it’s your decision’ which actually means, ‘No, no, no. Do not ever think you can act on whatever daft notion you had’.”

Not so impressive
TALKING of relationships, a reader heard a chap in his golf club explain: “I always regret making a good first impression, because there is no way I can keep that stuff going.”

Joker on his right
AND let’s face it, lots of men dislike going shopping. A south side reader popped into a cheap and cheerful supermarket where he passed a disgruntled basket-carrier trailing behind his wife, quietly singing: “Strange beer to the left of me, cheap biscuits to the right. 
“Here I am, stuck in the Lidl with you.”