Grass is always greener

IT’S tough at times drinking what is good for you. A Hyndland reader emails: “Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.”

Not a bright spark

WE mentioned bus conversations with pensioners using their free pass, and a Glasgow reader says: “Took a trip to Dundee and sat beside a retired nursing auxiliary who had worked the night shift at Ruchill Hospital where, she told me, they used to film the occasional episode of Taggart, and also the BBC medical drama Cardiac Arrest. She said one night she arrived for work to find police vehicles in the car park and assumed filming was taking place.

“Not so - it turned out that a patient using oxygen had persuaded one of his visitors to slip him a pack of fags and a lighter and, on sparking up an illicit ciggie, had set the place on fire.”

Lavatorial humour

READER Nick Sharpe wonders if there is someone at Scottish Water with a sense of humour. The company has announced it is building a one mile-long waste water tunnel under Paisley.

It says that construction of the tunnel will begin at Bladda Lane.

Playing a round

OLDER golfers continued. Jimmy Martin was passing the Musselburgh Links course when he asked a senior citizen coming off if he had had a good game. “Not yet!” he cheerily replied.

Hear hear

COMPANIES it seems are cutting back on open plan offices as they reach the conclusion that they are bad for productivity. A reader tells us that she was on the phone in her open plan office to her teenage son who was not quite grasping her instructions.

When she hung up she heaved a sigh and said: “No one ever listens to me.” Immediately five co-workers shouted out: We do.”

March madness

ORANGE Walks are bringing a bit of colour to our streets just now. An Ayrshire reader tells us: “I was driving into Kilwinning on Saturday night when I had to swerve to avoid a gentleman who clearly thought wearing an Orange collarette gave him carte blanch to walk down the middle of the road at any time, not only when following a flute band.”

A husband’s wine

A READER swears he heard a chap in a Glasgow pub at the weekend tell his pals: “I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine and that I’ll get better with age. So she said she’d be happy to lock me in the cellar.”

Please miss

AN AYRSHIRE reader says that there are things we do at school that we never do again in our lives. He gives as examples:

*Putting your hand up to ask to go to the toilet.

*Holding buttercups up to your chin to see if you like butter.

*Putting your chair on your desk at the end of a day’s work.

*Running screaming to the window when you see a dog outside.

Any more?