Remote possibility

WE always like to hear about other people’s vacations, particularly those in genuinely out-of-the-way places. Blair Miller emails to say: “We were in Juneau, Alaska, on holiday and were told that there were only three ways into this remote community.

“Ship, seaplane, or the birth canal”.

Memories on tap

PADDINGTON creator Michael Bond CBE, who has died aged 91, was an entertaining interviewee. Speaking to a London newspaper last year he recalled a figure from his childhood - his Auntie Em. “She was probably what modern parents would call a great multitasker”, he said. “She could give me a bath and have a fag at the same time.”

Driven to distraction

AT Inchinnan Community Club they were reminiscing about a number of late friends, and someone recollected a story from a few years ago involving another member, Jim Morrison tells us.

This bloke underwent a memory test at Paisley’s Royal Alexandra Hospital, and was pleased to learn that he had scored over 90 per cent. So pleased, in fact, that when he alighted from the bus back at Inchinnan, he decided to go to the club to tell his friends how well he had done.

It wasn’t until he reached the door that he remembered that he had in fact driven to the hospital in his car.

Bottling it

JOHN Dunlop’s eye was caught was by a Business Herald report of an Edinburgh start-up developing a sports drink based on ginger. “Ginger as a drink?” asks a possibly indignant John. “Not exactly a new idea in the west! Will there be money back on the empties?”

Taking things literally

THE story about the barman telling a tourist that it was quickest by car reminded Sandy Tuckerman of the time when he was a regular business traveller. He asked a young colleague what the exchange rate was. Smart-alec colleague replied: “It’s the relationship between the currencies of two nations often driven by the relative economic performance of each.” “I’m sure he was correct” says Sandy, “ but I still didn’t know how many Turkish lira to expect”.

Ready-made material

FRANKIE Boyle tweets that he is doing 10 nights at the Edinburgh Fringe, but one fan responds with what may or may not be an irresistible invitation for the lethally sharp-tongued comedian. “Any chance of coming to Ashford in Kent? We have loads of women that are hard to look at & a lot of drug-addled portly alcoholics like myself”, he writes.

You know you’re getting old

WHEN... you start looking at home-shopping catalogues put through the letter-box and think some of the items could be useful (Daniel McColgan)

... Your wife says, ‘Darling, The Diary’s looking for ‘getting old stories’,” and you write about the time you forgot Ted Heath’s name (John Mulholland)

.... you enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

... the Rolling Stones still look young to you.

... your knees buckle but your belt won’t

... you and your teeth no longer sleep together (all Frank Bendoris)

...when you realise you’ve re-entered early childhood: a short attention span, difficulty in finding everyday words, and frequent visits to the toilet. (Bob Byiers).

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