WE are dipping our toes in Glasgow Fair stories, and retired police officer Alan Barlow in Paisley recalls: “In Rothesay in the late fifties we would meet steamers coming in for the Glasgow Fair and if we did not like the look of some of the passengers we would quietly suggest to them that they may wish to use their return tickets immediately.

“ remember seeing an old court record which noted a holidaymaker being fined for a minor crime but with the addition, 'Deported - Whence came'.”

AND talking of holidays, Mungo Henning was in Montenegro where the tour guide explained that the EU had placed sanctions on Montenegro during the recent conflict with the result that the black market flourished, and cars were being stolen in Italy in order to be smuggled into Montenegro.

Says Mungo: “Once the sanctions were lifted, and a few years of normality returned, Montenegro did a large advertising

campaign in Italy to boost its holiday destination status. The gist of the adverts were, ‘Come and holiday in

Montenegro: your car is already here’.”

ACTOR and writer Greg Hemphill announced that the new series of Still Game begins filming next week and urged folk to give them a shout if they see them out on the street. TV producer Michael McAvoy replied to Greg: “I miss the times when any camera crew in Glasgow (no matter how small) was presumed to be Taggart and folk shouted, ‘There’s been a murder!’”

VERBAL misunderstandings continued. Says Mary Duncan: “ I and some friends eating at a table in a booth when the waitress clearing the table asked me to pass her 'that bowl'. I said , ‘Yes, of course - but there isn't a bowl on the table’. She replied, ‘The sauce boa'le!’”

THE HERALD’S survey of where our MPs went to school and whether they went to university brings the comment from Paisley Labour councillor Jim Sharkey: “Perhaps you should do a survey on where MPs live. I have two in my ward, the SNP’s Mhairi Black and the Tories’ Paul Masterton. They both live in the same street in leafy Ralston. I wonder what they talk about when they meet putting the bins out.”

OH and on the subject of politics, John Neil cheekily asks: “A fellow on the radio this morning was saying the Tories were like 'rats fighting in a sack.'

“Why do rats always get such a bad press?”

IAN Maclean in Bishopton asks: “The Herald reported that protecting brands can be a public relations minefield. However I don’t recall the famous Knightsbridge store ever threatening legal action against the wee Harridz shop in the Barras.”

THE Royal Bank of Scotland reported yesterday that Glasgow is the least affordable city in the UK for students. We were shocked, until we read the details that part of the reason is that Glasgow students spend more money going out than any other Scottish students. So what I thought was a negative story about Glasgow, was actually a positive one. Good old Glasgow.

JOHN Mulholland tells us: “My friend told me about a great idea his seven-year-old daughter had come up with. ‘Daddy, wouldn't it be great if you could put a piece of paper under your tablet and it printed exactly what you typed?' 'That's a fantastic idea!' he exclaimed, thinking his daughter had stumbled on the next big technological idea. But his excitement was short lived. 'Hang on a minute,' he said, 'I think you've just invented the typewriter’.”