Hard to swallow

ANDY Murray’s mum Judy gets recognised when she’s out and about. She described a recent encounter in Glasgow when a woman came up and said: “Can I get your autograph, hen ?”

“Sure,” replied Judy.

And afterwards: “Aw, you’ve got a lovely signature. You should see mines. It’s inedible.”

Going to war

FILMGOERS have been praising Christopher Nolan’s film Dunkirk. Not so old Diary chum and former Radio Scotland presenter Tom Morton who declared: “Of the many inconsistencies and anomalies in the movie Dunkirk, the 1960s/70s blue rail carriage upholstery annoyed me most.”

Forget about the Oscars, how about Curmudgeon of the Year?

The Flip side

WE mentioned that fantastic emporium of American clothing Flip. Recalls Frances Woodward in Yorkshire: “I bought a jacket from Flip and was wearing it when I was in the opticians. A woman asked me if I thought a pair of frames suited her. Assuming a friendly query from another customer, I said they were o.k., but that other frames suited her better.

“She was telling the girl at the desk that I was a very helpful colleague when I noticed that my Flip jacket was exactly the same as their staff uniform.

“Didn’t offer me a job though.”

Room with a view

OUR job interview stories have really gone down memory lane as David Miller in Milngavie tells us: “Comedian Lex McLean once said he was being interviewed at the burroo and was asked if he had any views of work. ‘Well’, he replied, ‘our kitchen window looks into John Brown’s yard’.”

What do you mean old? We prefer the term classic.

Trump that

HARRY Potter author JK Rowling is not a fan of President Trump. When right-wing commentator Tomi Lahren backed Trump’s plan to ban transgender troops by stating: “President Trump dedicated to putting radical Muslims in graves where President Obama was dedicated to putting men in the ladies room” JK shot back: “Truly, whom amongst us can forget Trump ordering the killing of bin Laden? Or Obama bragging about barging in on naked beauty contestants?”

Wizard reply JK.

Drawing the line

GROWING old continued. Says Eric Arbuckle in Largs: “You know you are growing old when you present a bottle of ink to a sales assistant who asks you what printer it is for and then when you say it is for a fountain pen you are asked ‘what’s that?’”

Hearts and minds

HEARTS manager Ian Cathro comes up with the occasional opaque musing, such as his “Take away the goalposts and we are able to compete” and his “Unless you control the scoreline then you aren’t in control of anything.”

Rival Hibs fans have now dubbed him, because of the geography of Hearts’ ground, “The Dalry Lama”.

Given the brush off

GLASGOW artist Alasdair Gray is to have his first exhibition in London. He told the BBC that it doesn’t matter to him as much as it once would. It reminds us of when Alasdair was buttonholed at Oran Mor and told that his fantastic ceiling painting would be a “wonderful legacy to the people of Glasgow.”

“I just did the colouring in,” Alasdair replied.