Sinister question

A READER tells us he was in a Partick pub where the barmaid was taking down a food order for the chap at the next table. As he watched her write he asked her: “Oh are you left-handed?”

The barmaid paused, thought about the stupidity of the question and replied: “No, I just do it this way to show off.”

Off the wall

THE Herald archive picture of the Rotor at the Glasgow Carnival reminds Norrie Christie: “The woman stuck on the wall opposite me at the Kelvin Hall looked ill at ease, and opened her mouth, not to scream, but to be sick.

“The centrifugal force spread it over the wall above her shoulders, and there it stayed until the Rotor slowed down, and as she slid down the wall it followed her descent.

“On that occasion I didn’t go for a repeat birl.”

Bottoms up

JOHN Scott was deejaying a regatta disco at the Royal West Boat Club in Greenock when he spotted an upturned canoe in the club’s grounds.

Written on the bottom in big bold letters was the plea “Help!”.

Brace yourself

OUR tales of memorable Glasgow clothes shops reminds Alan Walker in Carradale of West End Misfits in West Nile Street. Says Alan: “Its suits didn’t necessarily match. When I commenced my law apprenticeship in 1965 I sported a pin-striped suit bought for £10 with a neatly fitting jacket but with trousers which were so wide braces were essential.

“With the strict dress code then it meant I had to keep my jacket on at all times as it would have been infra dignitatem to expose my braces.”

Is there anyone there?

THE Sunday Times reported on the revamp of the Burrell Collection building in Glasgow and stated that “ancestors of Sir William Burrell have raised concerns over the makeover.”

“How do they know? A ouija board?” asks reader Alice McLean.

No hosepipes then

WE mentioned the song What Shall We Do With The Drunken Sailor? that we used to sing at school, and reader Margaret Laing says she heard the toddlers’ group in her local library singing the song as “the lady’s baby”. “Political correctness, or what?” says Margaret.

One small step

A CUSTOMER at Chic Cossar’s Glasgow south-side laundrette was insistent that his green polyester jacket needed dry-cleaning with great care. “It’s unique,” he said, “it’s been signed by Stuart Armstrong!” The laundrette’s manageress it seems is unaware of the Celtic midfield maestro as she stared at it in confusion before announcing: “But this looks nothing like a space suit.”

Having a ball

TALKING of football, Matt Vallance tells us: “I had a friend from Ayr complaining about the on-field behaviour of Cumnock Juniors at a game he was watching. ‘They kicked, they fought, they argued with the referee, it was terrible’, he said.

He was watching his grandson playing in an Under-9s game. “Nice to know the old standards still apply in God’s county,” says Matt.

Bit of a ding-dong

A COLLEAGUE spotted I was back from holiday. “Flattery will get you nowhere,” he bellowed at me.

I simply stare until he adds: “That’s the rumour that caused the Flattery bus company to fold.”