Fare enough

ARRESTING little exchange between Lothian Buses and a customer, seen on Twitter and reprinted here without comment.

Stephen Burnett (customer): “Hey @on_lothianbuses one of your drivers called me a f***y last night.”

Lothian Buses: “Sorry to hear that Stephen. If you can tell me which bus this was on, I can report this for you”.

Stephen Burnett: “Nah it’s sound, I was being a f***y.”

Reelin’ in the years

THE late Walter Becker, co-founder of the great Steely Dan, once gave a vivid explanation why it had taken his band fully 22 years to play Glasgow.

Addressing the crowd at the SECC in September 1996, Becker recalled an ill-fated tour in the seventies that had collapsed. “When was it? Must have been ‘74,’’ he mused. “We’d gotten to the date before Glasgow on our attempted European tour when the whole thing fell apart like a cardboard suitcase in the rain.’’

The Herald, reporting the 1996 show, observed that Becker - dressed in tie and slacks, and with glasses and a neat beard - had the “abstracted demeanour of a professor of liberal studies”.

They really don’t make ‘em like that any more.

Paws for thought

YESTERDAY’S item about people perhaps revealing more of what was on their mind when replying to customers reminds Barham Brummage of a conversation with his sister- in-law. “We were talking about dogs,” he says, “and she clearly (I think) confused the Dulux dog and the Andrex puppy - to produce the Durex dog.”

Memorable speech

RUSSELL Smith attended a travel talk some years ago at which one of the speakers, who had a slight speech impediment, and hesitated while saying “when I was in Miami I saw the biggest condom...” Just as eyebrows were being arched he finished his sentence , “- - - - inium I have ever seen.”

On the same note, Russell adds, there’s a pub in Edinburgh’s Rose Street which offers (or used to offer) whisky-favoured condoms with the warning “do not use this product while driving.”

What’s your beef?

GERRY MacKenzie, reading last week’s item about the waitress getting one over on a complaining diner, recalls an occasion some years ago when he was an instructor in Strathclyde Police Training School in Glasgow.

The Senior Officers’ Dining Room was packed with very high heid yins entertaining a band of politicos from the Scottish Office, and half of the young women from the troops’ canteen had changed from their usual white livery into black and white for the silver service. One distinguished guest enquired of a cocky young lass: “Are there bones in the steak?”

“Aye,” came the reply. “That’s what stops the cows bein’ floppy.” There followed, Gerry remembers, much choking and spluttering.

And finally ...

THANKS to David Donaldson for alerting us to an offer on Groupon for Auraglow LED Toilet Night Lights, which feature changing colours, fit on the edge of most toilets, have five brightness levels and are easy to remove and clean. And their Daylight sensors ensure the lights operate only in darkness.

Appropriately enough, the sales blurb adds, they’re also motion-activated ...