THE Herald archive picture of a burned down Glasgow theatre reminds David Miller in Milngavie of another Glasgow theatre consumed by fire, the old Queen’s Theatre. Says David: “The theatre’s resident comic Sammy Murray was on a tram and asked the conductress, ‘Does this caur go over Jamaica Street Bridge?’ ‘If it disnae,’ she replied, ‘there’s gonna be a hell of a splash’.”

Taken for a ride

DAVID Donaldson reads on one of those sites where people sell their unwanted possessions the following exchange between the owner and prospective buyer. “Bike still for sale?” “Yes it is.” “What’s the lowest you’ll go on it?” “Two mph. Anything less than that and you’ll tip over.”

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Tied up

REASONS for wearing a kilt: Tony Blair’s former press spokesman Alistair Campbell was speaking at a black tie CBI dinner in Ely the other night where he stood up and told business leaders: “So you’re thinking, why is he wearing a kilt? You’re thinking, he’s not going to get his bloody bagpipes out is he? One reason I am in a kilt is that in common with Gordon Brown I hate black tie. And if you wear a kilt, nobody notices if you’re wearing a nice Jeremy Corbyn red tie. Only mine is done up.”

So now you know.

Courting popularity

WE’VE mentioned the difficulties of millionaire MSP Anas Sarwar trying to become leader of the Scottish Labour Party. It reminds us of when QC Gordon Jackson was standing for Labour in Govan and was being attacked by the Socialist Workers Party or some such for living in a big hoose. My colleague Tom Shields suggested to Gordon it would help his Govan credentials if the next time he was asked what he’d been up to if he just replied, ‘Ah huh been up the court,’ without adding he was, in fact, the counsel for the defence.

Stamped out

LEADING postcard company Salmon’s in Sevenoaks, Kent, is to close because of falling sales. Well, when did you last send a postcard?

A reader once met a chap writing a postcard at the Falls of Clyde to his mother and he confided he always told his mother in his postcards that he was out with his pals Edward, Maxwell and Johnnie. Our reader looked alarmed as there was no one with him, then the chap explained he always travelled with King Edward cigars, Maxwell House coffee, and Johnnie Walker whisky.

Any other postcard stories before they disappear altogether?

Mea culpa

WE wonder if it was that pesky spellchecker thing as Alan Christie in Kelvindale tells us rugby club Gala, publishing the team lists for their game against Cartha, referred to the game as “Gala v Carthage” Says Alan: “No doubt the final words of the Gala coach as his lads ran on to the field would be ‘Carthago delenda est!”

For the first time in decades, sitting my O Grade Latin comes in handy.

Stopping the traffic

A READER wonders if the statue of Nelson Mandela proposed for Glasgow will get the ultimate Glasgow accolade of a traffic cone on top of it. The strangest story we ever heard about the Duke of Wellington statue in Glasgow with the traffic cone was when Princess Diana “love-rat”, to give him his tabloid sobriquet, James Hewitt was appearing in a BBC Scotland chat show with disgraced PR boss Max Clifford. Both men went for a drink afterwards and Hewitt suddenly clambered up the Wellington statue, knocked off the traffic cone and shouted down:

“I won’t see a national hero vilified.”

A strange cove indeed.

Ate his words

NOT everyone is into keep fit. A Glasgow reader said a fellow toper in his local was looking a bit unhappy, and was telling pals: “The wife asked if I wanted to go to Zumba with her.

I said yes, as I thought it was an Italian restaurant.”