Noises off

LEGENDARY film stars Robert Redford and Jane Fonda are reunited in the film Our Souls At Night. Our film expert contacts us to explain: "The title sounds more like what a Glaswegian says when his noisy neighbours wake him up in the wee hours."

Out of puff

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CONGRATULATIONS on Paisley Museum securing a £5m lottery grant to help turn it into a world-class destination. Somehow the award provoked a Greenock reader to phone and tell us that Paisley folk are in fact known for their parsimony. He went on: "There was the story of the chap who was knocked down at Paisley Cross and a passer-by going over to see if he was alright. When the chap still lying on the road said he was only winded, the passer-by asked if he would like a fag. When he said he would, the chap asked, 'What pocket are they in?'"

What a beauty

WE asked for your postcard stories before they disappear, and Robin Gilmour in Milngavie tells us about the chap who sent his girlfriend a postcard with a bathing beauty on the front. When he got home he had some explaining to do as when writing "Wish you were here" on the back, he missed out the last letter.

Don't sit and stew

RADIO 1 is fifty years old tomorrow. Scottish boxing legend Ken Buchanan recalled in his autobiography flying back to Edinburgh after retaining his world title in America. Hundreds of well-wishers in tartan were waiting to welcome home the hero.

The pilot announced that passengers were to disembark quickly as there were important people on board who were to leave last. After the plane emptied Buchanan looked round and saw Radio 1 DJ Ed "Stewpot" Stewart still sitting there. Ed looked out the window and announced: ''This is my first visit to Edinburgh, and look at the reception!'' The pilot came back and explained who the actual VIP was.

A knees-up

FORMER Airdrie player and Blackburn Rovers manager Owen Coyle has been appointed manager of Ross County. Owen has a habit of standing on the touchline in football gear, and an Inverness Caley Thistle fan warned yesterday: "Has Owen Coyle thought this through? He'll never survive wearing shorts on the touchline during a Highland winter."

End of pier show

GOOD luck with the continuing campaign to save Millport Pier which locals fear could be knocked down because of neglect by North Ayrshire Council. A reader is reminded of a story once in the venerable Largs and Millport Weekly News which began: "Police divers spent all Friday searching for a security camera which has been stolen after being secretly hidden in the toilets at Millport Pier."

So not that secret then.

Come on, get aff

THE Herald archive picture of a tram crash reminds Margaret Brough: "As a 10-year-old schoolgirl I was travelling in the front cabin of a 44 tram to school at Charing Cross when it suddenly started hurtling down Church Street and jumped the points at the junction with Dumbarton Road. The driver simply shouted, 'Wur brakes is bust - youse'll all hiv to get aff'. I don't remember being scared although it was probably quite dangerous. It may well be where I got my lifelong love of roller coasters."

Picture this

THAT old roue Hugh Heffner, founder of the Playboy magazine, has died. Says Andy Bollen: "In keeping with many a long summer afternoon hunting for his magazines, he has asked for his remains to be discarded up the woods."