Trying to join the party

THE main political story in Scotland at the moment claims that supporters of the Scottish Labour leadership candidates are signing up thousands of party members. As former MP Dennis Canavan recalls: "All this stooshie about alleged fixing reminds me when rivals for parliamentary candidatures sometimes tried to fix the selection by "freezing" rather than increasing the membership. In the 1970s, anyone wanting to join had to apply to the secretary of the local Constituency Labour Party. One applicant found that trying to find the secretary was like looking for the scarlet pimpernel. When he eventually tracked him down, the would be-recruit was told, 'Sorry, comrade, we’re full up'."

Polished act

WE asked for your student flat-sharing stories and Professor Harry Phillips tells us: "Uni friends sharing a flat were fed up when one of them kept complaining about his things being used by others, even his toothpaste. Getting fed up with all the moans the others agreed that the first person in the bathroom in the morning would squeeze the tube of his toothpaste just to wind him up every day with predictable results."

Family holiday

TIME to end our National Curry Week stories as it was in fact last week. But an extra portion from Malcolm Boyd in Milngavie who says: "Years ago with my family at an Indian restaurant in Bearsden I discussed with the waiter the tourist sights of Karachi, a city I had visited with the Merchant Navy. The waiter asked when I had been in Karachi and I told him, 'About 25 years ago'. He paused, then held out his arms and shouted, 'Daddy!'"

Sleeping on the job

A PICTURE of TV presenter Anne Robinson in The Herald reminds Robin Gilmour of when a caddie from a well known Scottish golf club was on her quiz show The Weakest Link and said he was a shepherd – he was worried about the tax authorities finding out about his caddying duties. "How interesting," said Anne with her trademark sarcasm. "And how many sheep do you have?"

It was too tempting for our caddie who replied: "Sorry Anne, I don't know. I just keep falling asleep when I count them."

Praise indeed

GREAT dance by pint-sized Scottish stand-up Susan Calman on Strictly Come Dancing on Saturday who surprised everyone with her speed and gracefulness. We think it somehow sums up telly watching these days for many people when viewer Caroline Davies told Susan on social media: "You were so good, even my husband looked up from his phone to watch."

Answer that

WE bump into Celtic Music Radio presenter Mike Ritchie who tells us: "Canadian musician Linda McRae is undertaking a project collecting musicians’ retorts to pesky hecklers at gigs. Among the ones she has collected that I like are 'I'm sorry, but you're going to have to speak directly into the beer bottle, sir' and 'Dad, I asked you wait in the car!'.

"I remember bluesman, Walter Trout’s put-down to a guy persistently shouting out during a gig a few years back at The Ferry in Glasgow. 'Hey, buddy, I don't come to your place of work and yell at you', said Walter. It worked."

Calculated

OUR tale of the shop assistant selling stamps who couldn't count reminds Martin Laing: "I once went to a blinds shop in Stirling to ask about the price of a small window blind. 'Depends on the size,' I was told. ' It's 150 centimetres by 90 centimetres,' I replied. 'We don't do centimetres, only millimetres,' the assistant said.

"So I told her, 'Then that's 1500 by 900'. She looked stunned and asked, 'How did you work that out so fast?'"

ABERDEEN'S win against Hibernian puts them at the top of the table alongside Celtic. Gordon Casely was in a shop near Aberdeen which was selling "Up the Dons!" bags of red and white sweets. The bags have printed on them "May have an adverse effect on activity and attention in children" but we are not sure if that is a reference to the sweets or to watching Aberdeen play.