Blazing row

We mentioned the expansion of cafe chain Wimpy, and John Marshall recalls dining in one in Kirkcaldy years ago when a firefighter came in and announced that everyone had to leave as the Co-op building a few doors down was on fire. Says John: "I left my half-eaten lunch but the dear lady at the till insisted I pay. Rather than argue I paid up and left. The fire destroyed the Co-op but not the Wimpy which I avoided in the future."

Nipped in the bud

A Carluke reader tells us: "My young nephew was being told off for nipping his cousin after an argument and he replied, 'I only nipped him because there's a smacking ban'."

Grinding it out

Our politicians are becoming increasingly adept at using social media, which is reflected in The Herald's Politician of the Year awards. As Glasgow SNP MP Stewart McDonald commented yesterday: "Told my partner that I've been shortlisted for the Herald's E-politician of the Year. He asked if it was for Twitter or Grindr."

The Herald:

Birthday surprise

Glasgow pubs – where those baffled about relationships let off steam. A reader swears to us he heard a young lad in his local tell his pals: "My girlfriend isn't talking to me as apparently I ruined her birthday.

"But I don't see how I could have done that – I didn't even know it was her birthday!"

The hard fax

Reader Neil Dunn tells us that an elderly priest filling in for a colleague in an east end of Glasgow parish was travelling in a hearse with funeral staff when he looked round the vehicle and remarked that he had never seen one with its own fax machine before. Says Neil: "What he was referring to was the custom of the driver folding over his typed sheet with instructions and sticking it a short way into the vehicle's CD player slot."

Scary stuff

Hallowe'en soon. As Aaron Gillies tells us: "How to make a Brexit Hallowe'en Pumpkin. 1, Hurl pumpkin off a roof. 2. Blame foreigners for your smashed pumpkin. 3, Demand new pumpkin for free."

Landed in it

We asked for your GP stories, and Russell Smith in Kilbrinie recalls: "Many years ago as a young GP in Paisley I received a late call to an ailing old lady three flights up in a tenement. After establishing that she felt 'chesty' and negotiating numerous layers of clothing I gave her a prescription to be told, 'That's no me - she's across the landing'."

And John Sim in Dumbarton says: "My old doctor in the Gorbals was from the Middle East and was just getting to know some of his patients and their local phrases. He told of a phone call from a woman whose child was unwell, and when he asked what the symptoms were she said her son was 'spewing rings'. The puzzled doctor asked how many rings there were and could she bring some in for him to examine."

A bit special

An Edinburgh reader phones to say he was in a local restaurant where an American customer asked the waiter, "Tell me today's special". It seems the young waiter just couldn't stop himself from replying: "Of course sir, today is very special indeed."