Lesson learned

IT is the 50th anniversary of Winnie Ewing winning the Hamilton by-election for the SNP. As the great lady herself explained a few years ago when she received a lifetime achievement award at The Herald's political awards, she bumped into a woman with her young daughter when she was out shopping, and the mother explained to the girl who Winnie was.

"Oh, we get her at school," said the girl. "Modern studies?" asked Winnie. "No, history," said the youngster.

Faking it

AS Tiernan Douleb mused: "Honestly can't work out if 'Fake news' has been named word of the year by Collins Dictionary, or not really."

A word for it

OUR stories of GPs remind Barrie Crawford in East Kilbride: "My gran was staying with us when she suffered an attack of angina, and she told the GP who visited her that she was 'feeling gie leuch doctor' which is pronounced 'looch'. 'I don't quite understand,' replied the doctor. My gran explained that it meant she was feeling tired and a bit done in. 'Ah yes,' said the doctor, 'in East Kilbride we say buggered'."

Step too far

MARRIED life continued. A chap in a Glasgow golf club tells his mates: "Every Saturday night I watch Strictly Come Dancing with the wife. She turned to me on Saturday and asked me who I wanted to win. Although I've watched it every week I couldn't name a single person who was on it."

Ticket the box

VOTING is going on just now for the new leader of the Scottish Labour Party. We remember former MP Tom Harris once standing for the post and he confided that he had put his name forward before he told his wife Carolyn he was a candidate. As Tom put it: "She took it better than I expected. 'But you're not going to win, are you?' she asked worriedly. 'Good grief no!' 'Well alright then,' she said."

Speedy response

THE Herald picture of a police officer with a speed camera on Edinburgh's Princes Street the other day provokes reader Charlie Neill: "Had to laugh at that picture. When has anyone been able to get up to 20mph on Princes Street?"

Ness sighting

SOMEHOW we drifted into stories about ferries, and Paul Whitelaw tells us: "On a blustery autumnal day in Inverness two well wrapped up Americans with a map were standing by the River Ness looking puzzled. I stopped and asked if I could help and one said, 'We've been looking for the ferry terminal to the Ness Islands for an hour but there are no signs anywhere'. I pointed out that the Ness Islands were in the middle of the river, easily accessible by a footbridge, but his wife said, 'No boat ride? You mean we have to walk?'

"I retired gracefully and left them to it," says Paul.

Picky

WE were discussing summer jobs in our youth around the office, and a colleague declared: "I got a job clearing litter in the local park. I didn't get any training – just picked it up as I went along."

Took a swipe

FIND yourself talking to inanimate objects? An Edinburgh reader in his local supermarket heard the checkout machine ask the shopper next to him: "Have you swiped your Nectar card?" She snapped back: "For goodness sake, you're only programmed to ask when I haven't so you already know the answer you passive aggressive machine."