A wee story

WE finished our GP stories, so let’s call this a Millport story. Says reader Margaret McGregor: “My late father was very friendly with the Millport GP who told him that he was called out to see a young boy who became unwell on coming home from school. Examining the boy, the GP asked if he passed water that day. The boy replied no, he hadn’t, as he had come home by the back road.”

Christmas letters

OUR mention of the plague of television adverts from the big stores brings the observation from a Helensburgh reader: “The Marks & Spencer Christmas advert states that ‘It wouldn’t be Christmas without M&S.

Of course it wouldn’t. It would be ‘Chrita’.”

Gets his kicks

WE asked for your amateur fitba’ tales, and a reader in London tells us: “I worked with a colleague who told me about playing against a real nutter in his pub team league. After having the ball taken off him on several occasions the guy lost his rag and told my colleague, ‘Do that again and I’m going to my car after the game, and getting a gun.’ ‘I’ve seen your shooting today,’ my colleague replied, ‘So I’ll take my chances’.”

Oh, Kay

COMEDIAN Peter Kay is returning to Glasgow’s Hydro next year for two nights after a gap of seven years. We remember when his last gig was announced, a Newton Mearns reader phoned the box office for tickets and was reminded that the show was not for another two years. “Two years?” she replied, “I could be dead by then.”

“Peter Kay could be dead by then,” said the helpful box office lady.

Dental pain

AH medical students. Our tale of student nurses on the bus constantly changing the destination board reminds Richard Day: “In the 1960s a group of Glasgow dental students travelling to Newcastle on a field trip stopped halfway for a comfort stop and a few pints. The driver had carefully counted off 40 passengers so when we returned we were counted back on board – 40, 41, 42...

“Some wags had opened the rear emergency door and were running back to be counted again – it seemed funny at the time!”

What are the odds SO the world record price for a painting has been smashed by Leonardo da Vinci’s painting of Christ selling for £341m. You can now go on to the site of Irish bookies Paddy Power and bet at 8/1 that it turns out to be a fake, 16/1 that the buyer doesn’t come up with the money, and a tasty 66/1 that it will be damaged in transit to the home of the buyer.

No Trump

NATURALLY we continue to be obsessed with American politics.

A reader in the USA tells us: “Imagine if an alien did land in America and asked someone the classic question, ‘Will you take me to your leader?’ We would just laugh nervously and say, ‘Um, well, you see, here’s the thing, um, now’s not a good time’.”

Playing a round

AN Ayrshire reader passes on a comment from a club member in the bar after a round of golf: “I noticed that the wife had put on her sexy underwear before I came over here, so that can only mean one thing...

“She’s behind with the washing.”