Having a ball

BUSINESSMAN Brian Williamson had a confession to make when he returned to Glasgow Caledonian University to receive an honorary degree this week - he had used his student skills in a way that had given him sleepless nights. Brian, the CEO of Jumpstart, had been a regular user of the table football machine at the university's bar when he was a student, and to save paying the 10p a game, he had drilled a hole in a 10p piece, threaded thin fuse wire through it, and was then able to pull the 10p back out of the machine as soon as it had tripped the ball.

Brian told onlookers when he received his honorary degree that he reckoned he had about 410 free games back then, diddling the bar out of £41 which in today's value would be £346.70 - and he promptly put two bags on the rostrum with the money in 10p pieces.

Are you asking?

THE lovely Joanna Lumley is appearing at Glasgow's Armadillo next year as part of her first-ever speaking tour. It of course reminds us of the old gag: "If Joanna Lumley had married the actor Charles Dance, would she become a classic Glasgow chat-up line?"

All a flutter

A BEARSDEN reader muses: "Just watched my teenage daughter sitting staring into her phone. She only looked up when she saw a moth buzzing around the lightbulb. 'Stupid moth,' she said, before turning back to stare at her phone again."

Siren call

WE mentioned the Glasgow Theatre Royal's 150th anniversary this week, and how it was once the studios of Scottish Television. Entertainer Andy Cameron recalls: "Bill Tennent was interviewing Chic Murray there about two weeks after Chic had been done for driving under the influence. Unfortunately somebody had left the dock door open and a fire engine was haring up Hope Street with sirens blaring. There was a pause and then Chic said in his usual dead-pan voice, 'They're playing my song'."

Give her a lift

OUR joke about trying out your granny's stairlift leads to Colin McGill telling us: "Stenna are considering producing an ultra-fast express stair lift that gets you to the top of the stairs before you forget why you went up there."

Dream on

ST ANDREW'S Day yesterday of course, and we remember when Islay whisky Bunnahabhain sent us a list of facts about St Andrew's Day including the fact that German folklore advises single women to sleep naked on the night before St Andrew's Day as they will then see their future husband in their dreams. The distillery then helpfully added: "Best not to do this if sleeping on a plane, bus or train."

All in the past

YES, men in pubs still believe they are comedians. A Glasgow reader was in his local when he heard a chap telling his pals that his wife really lost the rag when they were having an argument about him drinking too much and going out with his pals too often. "She really became quite historical," he told them. "Don't you meant 'hysterical'?" one of his pals inevitably tried to correct him. "No, historical," he replied. "She started digging up a lot of things from the past."

Testing times

TODAY'S piece of daftness comes from Gary Delaney who says: "I did terribly in the reverse parking on my driving test, but luckily I passed anyway and I haven't looked back since."