Just the ticket

WE mentioned the charity Santa Dash in Glasgow at the weekend, and Mairi Clark tells us she was on the train to Queen's Park after the event which was full of runners still in their Santa costumes. The ticket seller came into the carriage, looked around, and loudly announced: "Forty Santas on the train, and no-one's got a present for me."

Copped it

THINKING of having a party at Christmas? A Glasgow reader tells us a work colleague alleges that when he held a Christmas party a few years ago in his West End flat, he got so fed up with so many folk, half of whom he did not know, staying on into the small hours, that he slipped outside and phoned the cops to complain about the noise, and just as he wished, a police car arrived shortly afterwards and told him to turn the music off because of complaints, and he managed to shuffle folk out.

Bloomin' Eck

FOOTBALL talking point yesterday was Celtic drawing Zenit St Petersburg, the Russian team that beat Rangers in the Uefa Cup final in Manchester - gosh that was nearly 10 years ago - in the Uefa League. Jim Douglas imagines the conversation: "Zenit, 'We've already arranged to speak to our trusted contact who has a great knowledge of the Scottish game'. Reporter, 'Your former coach Dick Advocaat?' Zenit, 'No, Alex Salmond'."

Others are joking that Zenit is so far away that Celtic supporters buses are planning to leave this week for the February game.

Russian about

TALKING about travel arrangements, we recall meeting a Zenit fan who told us that two supporters set off in an old Lada more than a week before Zenit played on the other side of Russia in Vladivostok. Now that's nearly 7000 miles. The car frequently broke down and by the time they juddered into Vladivostok it had to be scrapped. Club bosses heard about their feat of endurance and presented them with a new Toyota as a replacement.

Stranraer fans travelling to Forfar this Saturday might think their trip is just as difficult, but don't think they'll get a new car out of it.

It's looking up

STILL a bit Baltic out there. A reader down south phones to say: "Have just worked out the one thing we all do when we have to walk in the snow - we can't stop ourselves looking at our neighbours' roofs to see how good their loft insulation is."

And as Alistair Barrie in London commented: "One of the best things about travelling when it snows in the UK is watching horrified foreigners realise quite how badly we cope. You can see them thinking, 'Leave the EU? You can't even make it out of Tottenham Hale'."

Coat tale

MEANWHILE in Glasgow, a Hyndland reader emails: "I know it's bad, and not a P.C. thing to do, but I somehow remember the spoof letter that the magazine Viz published which stated: "Old folk, if you are feeling cold this winter simply pop outside for 10 minutes without your coat on. When you go back inside you'll really feel the benefit."

Cheggers

SAD to hear of the death of former children's TV presenter Keith Chegwin whose cheery presence on the Saturday morning telly will be remembered by many. In later years Keith took to social media to recite some groan-worthy jokes - and who has never been guilty of that? A couple of our favourites from Keith was when he declared: "My mate Sid's been a victim of ID theft. He's now called 'S'." And the dating story: "Took my dentist out for dinner. Went very well - she wants to see me again. In about six months."

Coining it in

A GLASGOW office worker tells us: "Our boss, who likes to drone on about finance, was saying how he wished he had got hold of some of those Bitcoins which are trading on the internet for thousands of pounds. Someone went out at lunchtime to Poundland, bought a net of chocolate coins, took a bite out of them and left them on his desk with a note stating,'We got you some bit coins'. Didn't seem to take it well."