Branching out
A SEASONAL confession from reader Finlay Buchanan who admits: "I was clerk to the congregational board at Carrick Knowe Church in Edinburgh, which involved writing the minutes of board meetings. Not always the most exciting of tasks but I tried to liven it up by slipping in some little gems to see if anyone noticed. My favourite was when I was able to record that 'Mrs Thom offered to decorate the Christmas tree with children from the Sunday School'. The tree ended up with the usual baubles, but the image of children sitting on the branches has never left me."
Read it and weep
WE asked for your library stories, and a reader reminds us of the council van pulling up at Coatbridge Library, and the driver getting out with a large board and trying the locked doors of the building. He turned to a passer-by and asked if there was another entrance, but the passer-by pointed out that it was Wednesday afternoon, and the library was closed on Wednesday afternoons.
It was then that the passer-by noticed that the board the driver was trying to deliver was a display sign of the library's opening times.
Pointing the finger
SO are you missing John Barrowman and the Krankies not appearing at the SEC panto this year? They are down at Manchester Opera House in Dick Whittington, and already the Manchester Evening News has published a story about a shocked theatre-goer wanting the panto scrapped because of the innuendo which she felt inappropriate.
As she memorably put it: "Janette Tough as the little boy put her hand down her shorts, stuck her finger through the front and waved it around. My children were sticking their fingers out of their trousers as a pretend penis throughout the evening."
Ah well, in Glasgow when they did that everyone thought it was hilarious. Perhaps England really is a foreign country.
Fur goodness sake
SOME things on social media deserved to be passed on. A reader sends us a message left by sales manager Joe who said: "My dad's mate overslept his alarm and had to get on a flight within an hour, so he shoved all the clothes on his bed into his suitcase. When he got to the airport he found out he'd packed his cat."
Boxing clever
UPDATED political Christmas Cracker jokes: says Christine Brooks: "Why was Jesus laid in a manger? Because Mary forgot to apply for a baby box."
And Gordon Smith tells us: "I hear that David Davis's Christmas hamper will be a selection of porky pies and turkey legs with bells on."
A bit remote
A HYNDLAND reader phones to warn us: "I wouldn't recommend wrapping the Christmas presents after having a drink or two. I still can't find the remote."
Ageing humour
OUR story about banter with shop assistants remind David Miller in Milngavie: "A geriatric friend found himself standing next to an attractive young lady in a patisserie on Arran. 'Are you together?' asked the assistant. 'No, not yet,' replied my friend. At least the young lady had the grace to smile."
Only U
MY colleagues are obsessed with words - some even try to spell them correctly. One colleague wanders over and announces: "I was asked whether there was a word with three 'U's in it. I said that would be unusual."
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