The golden years

A LANARKSHIRE reader tells us he was at the Golden Wedding celebrations of an old friend in a local hotel when the couple's son stood up and made an emotional speech about how much his parents meant to him and ended it with: "Thank you for having such a lovely marriage." The man's father sitting beside him piped up: "And thank you for making it necessary."

Ask the right question

ALASTAIR Smith in Ayrshire was at the John Lewis TV and tech department in their Glasgow store where there was a demonstration of the Amazon Echo with which you can ask the electronic assistant Alexa any question. Says Alastair: "Two sceptical seniors were reviewing this latest 'must have' as a potential Christmas gift and one harrumphed, 'That might be handy if you could ask it something you really need to know, like 'Alexa, is it the green bin or the blue bin tomorrow?' 'Aye,' replied the other, 'Or when you’re standing on the top of the landing it would be a great help if you could ask it, ‘Alexa, what was it I came up here for?'"

Any other good questions you would want to ask Alexa?

Let's face it

BANTER with shop assistants, continued. Norrie Christie, who admits to being the wrong side of sixty, was reaching the checkout at his local supermarket with two bottles of wine, when he noted the standard sign relating to the need to provide evidence of your age when buying alcohol. “I forgot to bring proof that I’m over 25” he joked. “Don’t worry” said the friendly assistant. "Your face is proof.”

Doing a runner

OUR story about funny remarks in church minutes reminds Eric Macdonald: "When I was a member of the Board at Duntocher Trinity Church the previous minutes were handed round. At the foot of the first page it read, 'Thanks to Jack Smith and Marjory Brown for running off'. And on the second page, 'the minutes on the Gestetner'."

"You will note that it was in the seventies."

Dressing down

WE'VE mentioned political gags at Christmas, and James Rawson was much taken with the panto at Weston-Super-Mare where Widow Twankey in Aladdin is asked: "I see you're wearing your Brexit dress!"

The old biddy replied: "Yes. The second I'm out of it we'll all be having second thoughts."

What a blast

THE battle of the sexes begins at a young age. Dave Lewis reveals he took his daughter to one of those Laser Quest birthday parties where you have to put in a username before you start running around shooting other kids with your laser gun. Says Dave: "She set her username to 'A girl'. I asked why she didn’t pick 'Skull-crusher’ or whatever and she said, 'So every time I zapped a boy they’d know it was a girl that took them out'.

"Proud Dad."

Santa dust-up

SO all ready for Christmas? Says John Lyon: "I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up."

Guiding light

WITH New Year approaching, it is a time to fondly reminisce. A reader emails The Diary: " As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me."