What drove him

A FEW folk have been having difficult journeys out on the roads with all that snow. But sometimes we have to question their motives. As Scots writer Mark Millar revealed: "Just bumped into a pal who made long, horrendous journey to school in snow while nursing flu. His reasoning? Didn't want to spend day with the kids."

Gutted

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WEST Ender David Donaldson was interviewed on the BBC television documentary aired last week about the Great Storm of Glasgow fifty years ago. As he tells us: "They left out the bit where we explained that, apart from a broken window, the only damage the tenement suffered was when the factor sent men to check the roof afterwards and they stole the lead from the valley gutter.

"First we knew of it was when the rain came pouring into the hall."

Through gritted teeth

WE mentioned the fun names that local authorities in Scotland have given their gritters out working on the roads just now, including Sir Salter Scott and Sir Andy Flurry. We asked for your suggestions, and many readers took a more abrasive view and suggested The Invisible Man.

And Paul O'Sullivan revealed: "My brother works for the roads department, and they ran a competition to name the local vehicle. They quickly had to rule out Gary Gritter."

Missing link

NOW the thing is, when a bad gag appears in The Diary we often hide behind the claim that "It wiznae us" and blame the reader or colleague who told us it. So just bear that in mind as we pass on from Joe Knox: "The Diary story about actor David Tennant ridiculing the quality of square sausage was bang on. It could easily be used for tiling a bathroom or even putting soles on boots.

"I well remember a butcher up in court for putting too much rusk in his links. It was found that his sausages only had a small amount of meat in the middle. His defence was that things were bad financially, and he was having problems trying to make ends meat."

Water laugh

AS we often say, we do like a sweet story in The Diary so we want you to hear from Antonia Nicol in London who reveals: "Before my mum passed away, she gave my dad strict instructions to water the plants in the bathroom. He's been religiously watering them and keeping them alive. They look so amazing he decided to take them to his new home, only to discover they are plastic. Can hear my mum chuckling."

Dial it back

GROWING old, continued. Says Ian Noble: "You know you're getting old when you find yourself telling the shop assistant that you only want a phone to make calls with."

Going swimmingly

PROBLEMS of living today. Says Simon George: "Someone on TV wants me to adopt a dolphin. Where the hell am I going to put that? I haven't even got room for my slow cooker."

Mincing his words

WE mentioned old insults that should be preserved even though they are out of date. This one qualifies as we no longer buy things in pounds - although my Patrick butcher never minds when you ask for meat in pounds, to be fair. And although plastic bags are now the norm, I'm sure that environmentalists will rediscover the string bag eventually. Anyway Norman Renfrew would like to preserve: "An insult picked up in my youth in Greenock, 'A face like a pun o’ mince, in a string bag'."

Parent trap

TODAY's piece of daftness comes from a Woodside reader who emails: "Someone asked me what the toughest thing was about being a parent. I told them I would have to say it’s the children."