Smashing night

HOPE you enjoyed Burns Night if you were out at a supper last night. Richard Fowler, president of the Glasgow Haggis Club, tells us: "I'm chairing our Burns Supper tomorrow. I hope to avoid the situation that once arose in Kilwinning when the top table was piped in and seated, the president took off his glasses and laid them on the table, and then raised his gavel and brought it down smartly, smashing his spectacles.

"And a friend was invited to address the haggis in Ochiltree where the dish had been microwaved. When my friend cut it, 'trenching its gushing entrails bright, like ony ditch', it exploded."

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Panic in breastie

AND well done Levenmouth Police for getting into the spirit of Burns by announcing on social media: "Burns Night today and, ironically, we caught a wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous loddy in a gairden he shouldn’t have been in last nicht. Huckled for theft by housebreaking!"

Sticky situation

OUR trip down memory lane just now is school jotters, and Neil in Ayr recalls: "Talk of whether they were covered in brown paper or wallpaper reminds me of when I was in first year at Kilmarnock Academy and had to cover all my text books. I was given some rather floral wallpaper to use so quickly decided to use it inside-out to avoid ridicule in class. However, after a particularly wet walk home found all my books had stuck together and could not be separated. I then realised I had been given prepasted wallpaper."

Lost his drive

A BEARSDEN reader gets in touch: "Have you ever experienced that awkward moment when you overtake another driver and give them a condescending look in criticism of their driving, and then quickly recover as you almost crash because you've not been paying attention?"

Hard to swallow

TRAVEL site TripAdvisor lists complaints, but we do like it when establishments reply. Someone was unhappy with Glasgow's great whisky bar The Pot Still and wrote that they were ignored at the bar. Pot Still management viewed the security tape and explained: "You came to the bar at 13:32:51, you turned away at 13:33:11 so all told you spent 20 seconds waiting before leaving. The youngest Scotch we sell waits three years in cask before its even considered a whisky, let alone ready to be bottled. The oldest whisky we have waited 50 years before being bottled. When it went into cask, no-one knew who Sergeant Pepper was and the UK was trying to get INTO Europe.

"If you feel 20 seconds is too long in your life to hang on in that company, then maybe you're not ready for whisky yet."

Flight of fancy

A SOUTHSIDE reader swears he heard a young chap on the train being asked by his pal: "What happened to you yesterday?" "I fell ill and rushed to the doctor's," his pal replied. "Flu?" asked the first one. "No, just drove really fast."

Dozy

READER Jim Hamilton admits himself it's a "dreadful one liner" as he tells us: "Police were called to the day-care centre. A three-year-old was resisting a rest."

Sky's the limit

KNEW it was a bad idea to engage a colleague in conversation. "Battling with Sky who are trying to charge me for my satellite dish," he announces. "Well, they told me it would be on the house."