Bit of a blow

OUR story about the practice nurse sarcastically asking the patient if he wanted to shave his eyebrows before stepping on the scales, reminds Michael McGeachy: "In the seventies my school friend Kenny got a summer job as a petrol pump attendant, filling tanks in these pre help yourself days. One evening a guy drove up, and said, 'Just gie us two pints of three star, I'm in a hurry'. Replied Kenny, 'Certainly sir. And would Sir like me to sneeze in his tyres also?'

"The customer was a golfing buddy of the proprietor, and Kenny got his jotters the following day. Some people have no sense of humour."

Ad hominem

AT least one bookmaker has made the posh and erudite backbencher Jacob Rees-Mogg as favourite to be the next leader of the Tory Party. But as one Diary reader warns: "When listening to Rees-Mogg, take a tip barristers learned over many years - drivel doesnt make any more sense just because you season it with a little Latin."

And as Still Game writer Greg Hemphill observes: "I've not had a good night's sleep since I found out Jacob Rees-Mogg is the same age as me."

Driving point home

REMEMBER your nervousness when you had to sit your driving test? A young West of Scotland chap remarked on social media the other day: "My driving instructor said to me, 'Are you just back fae Tenerife?' and I went, 'Naw, just the sun beds'. And then he said, 'No, it's because you're on the wrong side of the road."

Not so new

MANY folk will agree with Michele who observed: "New Year’s Day was this month. Why does it feel like it was six months ago?"

What a pile

WE should close the book on our old school jotter stories, but before we do, Barham Brummage in Bathgate tells us: "During my teaching career I had many different types of covering: wallpaper, brown paper, greaseproof paper, but the one that stands out literally was when I had been nagging a lad to get his jotter covered for several days. Eventually he turned up beaming from ear to lug with a covering of...carpet. A good chunk of thick pile had been glued to the front and back. I suppose he would be the only kid who had to Hoover his jotter."

Key observation

BURNS Suppers continued, as a Motherwell reader recalls attending one such supper organised by local police officers, and held in the recreation hall of the police station. After the event a sergeant was heard to observe: "It's funny. Here we are taking drunks out the front door and putting them in taxis while at the same time taking drunks in the back door and putting them in cells."

Cutting remark

A PARTICK reader swears to us he saw a young lad running along Dumbarton Road wearing a cape so he jocularly shouted after him: "Are you a superhero?" and the chap shouted back: "Naw, I've no paid fur ma haircut."

Off at a tangent

I SHAKE my head as out of the blue a colleague emphatically tells me: "I just pray that if I am ever taken in for questioning, it's not Trigonometry."