Some like it hot

SO are your children a bit obsessive about their mobile phones, always wondering who is contacting them? A Bishopbriggs reader tells us: "Was sitting in the lounge with my son watching the football on the telly when his phone, which was in the kitchen, pinged to say he had a message. He immediately got up and went through to the kitchen to read the message which said 'Just make a cup of tea while you're there. Dad'."

Ruby and diamonds

GOOD luck to well-known Newton Mearns jeweller Eric Smith who is retiring and sadly shutting his popular shop. We remember when Eric won a Diamond Jeweller of the Year award for his pieces which included morse code messages in diamond dots and dashes. He went up to the stage at London's Grosvenor Hotel for his award while dressed in a kilt. Comedian Ruby Wax who was presenting it, bent down and pulled up Eric's kilt to see what he was wearing underneath. Either through shock or amusement at finding out that Eric was a true Scotsman, Ruby had the audience cheering when she pulled up her own dress in similar style.

Currying favour

OUR story about language misunderstandings with Americans reminds a reader of inviting two American couples round for tea at their holiday home in Florida. She recalls: "I made a huge curry, and then noticed the panic on their faces – they had already eaten. They thought we were eccentric Brits and that the invitation was purely for a cup of tea from china cups. We were eating curry for days after."

What's he driving at

A WEST-END woman tells us: "I had a woman's voice on my car's GPS giving me instructions on how to get to places, but then I discovered I could change it to a man's voice. I switched it over to the man, but all it ever said was, 'It's around here somewhere. Just keep driving."

The bald truth

STAND-UP Gary Delaney muses: "I recently entered a competition to see who's gained the most weight and lost the most hair. Obviously it wasn't called that, it was advertised as a 'School Reunion’."

Broadcast it

LOTS of stories about the BBC's pay policy in the papers these days and whether women are underpaid. As Radio Four Woman's Hour presenter Jane Garvey puts it: "Spare a thought for newspapers who hate the BBC and all it’s supposed to stand for, but also don’t like women getting above themselves. Tough times."

Burning question

GETTING old continued. One Jordanhill reader told her pals: "Just spent a puzzled few minutes looking for my cup of tea that I was sure I was just drinking – it was in my hand." And a friend replied: "I put an oven glove on and took out the grill with the other hand. Burnt fingers for weeks."

Beyond the pale

OLD insults that should be preserved. Says Robert Gardner: "Many years ago a friend asked a girl for a dance at a local disco. He got knocked back severely by the young lady. When he returned to our company and was asked, 'What happened there?' he replied in an attempt to salve his pride, 'Och she had a face like a pail o' worms'."

Bit of a sitter

SPRING surely is around the corner, but that's no excuse for a colleague coming over and telling us: "The wife believes we need garden furniture. I'm sitting on the fence."