Using your loaf

WELL, did you manage to get some bread and milk over the weekend? An unusual sound in the suburbs was all the folk searching the backs of cupboards for the bread-makers they were given as wedding presents but never used. A reader heard one shopper wail: "I had to buy a birthday cake as that was the closet replacement for bread."

Thanks to Mairi Clark who passed on the new national anthem for Scotland which begins: "No flour in Scotland! When will we see? Sliced bread again?"

Milking it

PLAYWRIGHT David Greig mused: "'Just to let you know,' the barista says, 'we only have soya milk left.' I stand silent. What words are there? Surely, this is how The Romanovs felt when they heard the chanting of the mob at the winter palace gates... capitalism, that great and fragile beast, is falling."

Big word

AND Karen Wright says: "Nice to see that despite the weather Glasgow Yooni maintains its literary standards." An e-mail announcing the cancelling of The Stevenson lecture this week states it is "due to the rather voluminous snow."

Snow joke

OK, time for one seasonal joke to cheer ourselves up. That mirth-maker Andy Cameron dusts off the old joke book to tell us: "This rather inclement weather reminds me of the time I discovered that dugs could speak. Out walking my Rottweiler and Dachsund after a heavy fall of snow I heard the Rottie moaning, 'Ah hate this snaw - ma paws are freezing' to which his wee German pal replied,‘Your PAWS are freezing!'"

Sleeping beauty

INCIDENTALLY, the news story about Ryanair chopping most flights from Glasgow remind Andy: "A true Ryanair story. En route to Dublin eight of us boarded the 7am flight at the rear of the aircraft only to find a hostess lying on the last three seats fast asleep. Asking if she had taken ill we were informed, 'No she just had a hard night last night'. One of the sharper members of our group responded, 'I hope she wisnae oot wi’ the pilot'."

Wading in

HE won't be using them just now, but Stuart Yeamans recalls: "While living in Shetland and having taken up fly fishing I visited the Lerwick tackle shop to buy chest waders. When asked what size I was, I jokingly said, 'Fat bastard'. The shop owner then produced what I was looking for with the size label printed FB. When I expressed surprise that the manufacturer sold items specifically for fat bastards he pointed out that FB stood for full bodied."

Knees-up

THE death of Sir Roger Bannister, who ran the first sub four minute mile reminds us of when The Herald's Doug Gillon interviewed Sir Roger on the 60th anniversary of his iconic race. Doug had asked him about his health and Sir Roger said he had needed his left knee replaced. The then 85-year-old then cheerfully added that it had only been the previous year and "I did it falling off my son's racing bicycle."

Spray it again

OLD cinemas, continued. Says Jim Thomson in Bothwell: "The Majestic had the cheapest admission prices in Govanhill. Known as the Flea Pit, it was said the lights always stayed dimmed so that you couldn’t see its run-down condition. During the film an usherette would walk up and down spraying disinfectant from a pump-action dispenser. A fine mist of disinfectant would descend and rest on your head and shoulders. Strangely enough you never felt too bad about that."

What a shower

RON Beaton in Dunblane sends us another indication of growing old - stepping into the shower and turning on the water, then realising you are still wearing your glasses.