Trousered it

A REFLECTION on life at Glasgow Airport. A reader passing through the security area hears the official ask a passenger just before she goes through the metal detector if she has anything in her pockets. "No," she replied. "I know how that feels," he replies ruefully.

Feast of football

NOT often an Old Firm game falls on Mother's Day. As the cheeky chaps at Irish bookies Paddy Power put it after the game finished with five goals: "Some drama at Ibrox. The decision to stay in and watch this instead of taking my mum to the Toby Carvery has been vindicated."

A bit flushed

OUR apprentice stories remind Alan Kerr in Tillicoultry: "When I was a student apprentice in Babcock & Wilcox, I was sitting in the work’s canteen at lunch time listening keenly to all the chat of the men at the table. With some few minutes remaining before the horn summoned us back to work, I stood up, leaving some food still on my plate. 'Where ur ye guan, son', I was asked. 'No hungry?'

"I replied, 'It’s not that. I need to go to the toilet before I go back'. 'Sit doon, and finish your dinner', I was commanded. 'Just you remember - we eat and drink in oor time, but pee in theirs.'"

In the soup

WE seem to have stumbled into odd places to boil an egg. Nancy MacLeod adds to the rich subject: "Many years ago whilst still a student at the Dough School in Glasgow, I was asked to help with catering at a function at the City Chambers. I was put in charge of the salads, and asked one of the kitchen staff to boil a dozen eggs. Later, not finding them, I asked her where they were. She told me that since there was a large pot of soup already on the stove, she just popped them in. 'Saves using another pot,' she said."

Cream tee

OUR yarn about the opticians, pet shop and Greggs being side-by-side being known locally as "Specs and Dugs and Sausage Rolls" reminds Bill Lothian: "A friend told me that at his former golf club in Wales there was a regular three ball who played together comprising Lloyd Black, Peter Forrest and Iwan Catto. Every weekend the booking sheet contained the trio of names, side by side, 'Black, Forrest, Catto'."

Brush off

A CONFUSED west end reader emails: "I bought a tube of tooth whitener and the small print says to avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?"

Chew on this

WE mentioned the sale of chewing gum falling and Russell Smith in Kilbirnie wonders: "Is it purely coincidental that the reported fall has continued since Sir Alex Ferguson’s retirement from football management at the end of season 2012/13?"

Picture this

AND as we troop to the exit from our old cinema stories, Martin Laing squeezes a last comment in: "A colleague of mine, Sandy Neil, went to Campbeltown Picture House where he was the only customer. Taking advantage of the situation he posted live on Facebook, 'Mobile phone on! Call me for a live review'."

Well trained

TODAY'S piece of sheer daftness comes from Chris Addison who says: "Well, turns out when they say at the station, 'If you see anything suspicious please report it to a member of staff' they don’t mean those posters claiming 97% of the trains last month were on time."