Tables turned

THERE seems to be a new restaurant opening in Glasgow every day. A reader tells us a fellow customer in his local in Glasgow told his pals that he took his wife to a busy city centre restaurant but found there was no table available it was that busy. He then added: "So I took out my mobile phone, pretended to make a call, and said loudly, 'I think I've just seen your wife having dinner with some guy I don't know!' Within five minutes three couples had hurried out and we got our table."

Wheely good

FOLK are still reminiscing about the late Ken Dodd, one of the last great stars of variety. Says author Meg Henderson: "I loved his comment about his agent dying at the age of 90 - 'I think he was actually 100 but he took off 10% as commission.' And a story he told about his early days when apparently nudes - women of course - were allowed on stage but they were banned from moving, so a theatre manager advertised 'Moving Nudes!!!!' and the place was sold out. Turned out the nudes did move, they were wheeled across the stage on a bike."

Bedroom farce

POLITICAL news yesterday was the country's youthful Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson telling Russia to “go away and shut up” over the Salisbury poison attack. A reader emails us to explain: "Apparently Russia told him to tidy his bedroom."

Fly guys

AFTER our yarn about the Partick Thistle Ultras, Jake Jordan in Partick tells us: "Last weekend I took my son to Hamburg for his birthday. We secured tickets for the St. Pauli v Eintracht game and were standing on the terracing when we clearly heard Glasgow accents singing along with the home crowd. When we looked up we saw about five or six guys in their sixties holding aloft a banner that read, 'O.A.P. ULTRAS'. Priceless Glesga patter I reckon."

Silent movie

OUR final cinema story as a south side reader recalls: "I was on a visit to family friends in Shotts in the late fifties when the neighbours’ daughter asked if I wanted to go to the movies. It was a nudist film but we were allowed to go on the pretext of seeing a Western, which was in fact the B Movie . The audience was mostly teenagers, making a real racket and stomping at the chase scenes in the Western - so much so, that the film was halted, the lights went up and the cinema attendant shouted that they would stop showing the films if there was any more noise. Never has there been such silence for a Western - in anticipation of the main feature!"

Coining it

OUR apprentice stories have suggested they are a gullible lot so we should end with a tale showing they were not that daft. Stuart Roberts in Switzerland remembers his apprenticeship at Rolls-Royce in Hillington when the apprentices "would use the lathe to turn out 10p sized metal discs so we could get drinks out the machine."

An earful

THE trials of married life as an Ayrshire reader emails us: "My wife just said, 'You weren’t even listening were you?' and I thought to myself, 'What a strange way to start a conversation'."

Give a lift

HE'S a pal, so we forgive the BBC's Reevel Alderson who confides to us: "Inspired by Professor Stephen Hawking, I’m reading a book about anti-gravity - which I just can’t put down."