Blanket excuse

OUR tales of excuses for being late remind Gerry MacKenzie: "When Strathclyde Police was formed, a young cop from Oban transferred to Glasgow and acquired digs with a 'polis approved' landlady. One bitter winter morning he was well late for work, and told the gnarled old sergeant it was so cold in his tiny bed-sit he left his electric blanket on. It used up all the coins in his electricity meter and rendered his electric alarm clock unpowered and useless. The sergeant stared directly at him for ages, shook his head and said, 'Aye, OK'."

Ruddy hell

FINALLY, a Cabinet resignation. We turn to writer and actor David Schneider for an explanation. He tell us: "June 2017: Amber Rudd stands in for Theresa May by taking part in the leaders' debate instead of her.

"April 2018: Amber Rudd stands in for Theresa May by resigning over the hostile environment fiasco instead of her."

Amber gambler

MORE whimsically, Jim Bob muses: "Amber Rudd should defect to the Green Party, just so she can have 'Green Amber Rudd' on her election campaign material."

Feeling blue

NEARER home, an even bigger talking point was the latest thrashing of Rangers by Celtic. We simply pass on the anguish of a Gers supporter on Facebook who wrote: "Myself and Broxi Bear will no longer be available on here for the next five years. We are looking for an isolated cave to let, as we are going into hibernation. Someone let me know when it's over please."

Taking the Michael

SAD to hear of the death of Glasgow-born former Speaker at Parliament Lord Martin who never hid his working-class roots. I remember when he was chairing a prestigious debate at Glasgow University, and an SNP speaker joked that his party held a raffle in Possil where the first prize was an alibi for a fortnight. This stirred the then Michael Martin who declared: "My wife, Mary, comes from Possilpark. She'll want a word with you.''

Flushed with success

NOT sure how we stumbled into false teeth stories, but Jim Morrison keeps them going by telling us about his wife's uncle Dave who married an Isle of Wight girl, Doris. Says Jim: "One New Year’s Eve Dave, who was not much of a drinker, overdid it and was sick down the toilet, losing his false teeth in the process. The next day, fearing Aunt Doris’s wrath, the bold Dave, torch in hand, lifted the large manhole cover at the bottom of their garden and climbed down the ladder into the sewer where he found and recovered his false teeth. At least he said they were his as they were the best fit of the the various pairs lying there."

Banking on it

THE computer fiasco which saw many TSB customers locked out of their on-line banking accounts led to reader John Henderson calling in at his letting agency to check that his house rental had been paid from his TSB account. Says John: "They looked at me with near tears in their eyes, and informed me that their account for collecting the rent was also with TSB, and that we were both in the same boat about not knowing if the rent was being paid or not.

"Wonderful how these things sort of work themselves out!"

Thinking about it

TODAY'S piece of daftness comes from a reader who emails: "I was just thinking that the human brain is such an amazing thing - but then I realised who was telling me that - my brain."