Song and dance

WE mentioned conversations about what you do for a living, and Bob Byiers recalls: "A young chap, many years ago, who worked in the whisky industry, was on a night out at the dancin' when his partner of the moment asked him what he did. 'I work in a bond' he replied. Clearly impressed, the young lady then asked, 'Oh, what instrument do you play?'"

Took the biscuit

SO the businessman who donated the Rolls-Royce to be used by Glasgow's Lord Provost was biscuit king Boyd Tunnock. We remember when the council was keen to interest business leaders in paying for improvements to Glasgow Green and invited them to tea. When they sat down, the council officials apologised to Boyd for not having any of his products to go with the cuppa. No problem to Boyd. He rummaged in his briefcase and produced four caramel wafers and four caramel logs. ''Better than a business card any day,'' declared one of the other business leaders who gratefully took a biscuit.

Going bananas

AND talking of Rollers, artist Ed Hunter tells us: "I remember very long ago when as a spotty 17-year-old , I had a job with Glasgow Corporation delivering wages to the nightshift workers at Govan cleansing. I was then picked up by a chauffeur in an Austin Princess to return to the City Chambers. As we pulled up at traffic lights at Edmiston Drive I was seated with my feet up on the wages box eating a banana. Outside the car the two guys were looking in were Ralph Brand and Jimmy Millar of Rangers. They had a 'Who-the-hell-is-that?' look on their faces."

Food for thought

GLASGOW stand-up Janey Godley received much publicity for holding up a very rude sign when Donald Trump last visited Scotland. It contained a word not used in respectable society. Anyway Janey has revealed: "Two Tories in my comedy gig tonight. Man smugly shouts, 'I hear you swear a lot. What’s your worst word? Go on let me hear it. We all know you are famous for saying it.' I reply, 'Foodbanks'. Audience cheers. Man sits raging."

Getting shade

FOLK can't quite believe the constant good weather in Glasgow last week. An old chum from the Evening Times tells me: "When sitting by the Clyde drinking a cold cider, a Glasgow cabbie shouted over, 'Hey mate! Watch out. Your drink is in the sunshine - wouldn’t want it wasted'. Only in Glasgow. Ended up with a wee conversation about how he would love to be having a beer in the sun."

Pat answer

SATURDAY'S Herald, reporting the death of former Lord Provost Pat Lally, used a picture of his official portrait, created by Peter Howson. Pat once confided that his wife Peggy was not that keen on the portrait as he is not smiling in it. Said Pat: "I saw the first draft and said 'Can I not have a smile, Peter?' He said: 'No.' I said, 'Well, what about a wee hint of a smile. Like the Mona Lisa.' He said: 'I'm afraid not.'" Which is ironic, as Pat was amongst those who promoted the Glasgow Smiles Better campaign.

Gnomic response

THE sad death of New York chef Anthony Bourdain reminds us of when he was filming in Glasgow and went to a martial arts session in the city and was paired up with a smaller Glaswegian. Thinking it would be an easy match, Anthony later confessed: "It was like running into a fire hydrant. He crushed my rib cage like a box of biscuits. I ended up pounded into the mat again and again by the murderous (yet relentlessly cheerful) garden gnome."