Just batty

GREAT win for Scotland against England at cricket this week – hard to beat a relaxing day in the sun, having a beer and watching the game. Anyway a reader in London was in his local when the result came on the telly and a chap further up the bar opined: “I knew they sold a lot of cricket bats in Scotland – I just didn’t realise they used them for playing cricket.”

On the rack

AND still great weather, although tempers can become frayed in the heat. We liked the comment of a Rangers fan telling his pals about an encounter he witnessed in clothing store Primark.

Said the fan: “Guy in Primark asking to speak to a manager shouting, ‘There’s no sense of urgency behind the tills!’"

"Nae bother, Jose Mourinho," said the manager. "They are serving folk in sweltering heat, no pushing for a last-minute winner.”

Pint of no return

IT is Blood Donor Week as donation centres remind folk they still need donations even though a lot of regular givers are away on holiday. It reminds us of a worker at the Glasgow donation centre who told us of a donor who concluded his session by saying: “Well, that’s me, I’ll not be back here again.’’

Concerned staff asked if they had done something to offend him but he replied: “No – it’s just that when I had an operation, I was given nine pints of blood and now I’ve given you the nine pints back.’’

Saw the light

GLASGOW City Council is seeking locals to comment on their plans to smarten up Byres Road, which will see cyclists and pedestrians sharing some of the space. It reminds us of the old gag: “What’s the difference between red and green?”, the answer being: “Nothing if you ride a bike apparently.”

An age thing

GROWING old, continued. A Troon reader writes: “Apparently I am now at that age where I ‘look good for my age’.”

Feeling the heat

WE asked about conversations where you tell folk what you do for a living, and Russell Smith in Kilbrinie says: “Bothered some years ago by an over-zealous waiter in an Indian Restaurant I responded to his latest of several questions of where did I work with ‘HM Customs and Revenue Glasgow’. End of questions.”

Chickened out

TO see oursels as ithers see us, as Burns put it. Our old chum Tom Shields was giving a talk about his new book, 111 Places in Glasgow That You Shouldn’t Miss, when the Lobey Dosser statue in Woodlands Road of two cowboys astride a two-legged horse came up – it was paid for by Herald Diary readers. Fans of the cartoon series just accepted a two-legged horse.

Artist Bud Neill found four legs too complicated, apparently.

However it was a Spanish student at the talk who gave Tom a new perspective on the public work of art. “What is the story,” the Spaniard asked, “of the two men sitting on the giant chicken?”

Seen and herd

YOU can imagine the woe of Josh Billingsley who declares: “My pregnant wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked, ‘Does it make my bum look big?’ I texted back, ‘Noo!’ My phone autocorrected my response to ‘Moo!’

“Please send help!”

Floating voter

EVEN physicist and TV presenter Professor Brian Cox has entered the Brexit debate. As he memorably put it: “You can convince people to vote to abolish gravity, but they will be very p****d off with you when they hit the ground.”