PLODGATE snarled up FMQs. Also known as ‘What the hell is going on with Scotland’s police service?’ the row has dragged on for months, with top cops probed, useless overseers, and murky ministerial manoeuvres.

It would take another Sherlock Holmes to get to the bottom of it. Alas, we have Holyrood’s finest. So it was more elementary school than elementary, dear Watson.

Ruth Davidson asked Nicola Sturgeon if the “fiasco” had involved Justice Secretary Michael Matheson breaking the law by overruling a unanimous decision of the board of the autonomous Scottish Police Authority in the meeting of November 9 last. Or something like that.

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Anyway, there was a meeting, the Tory leader declared. A super shady meeting between Mr Matheson and a chairman, or rather a former chairman, or maybe a manchair, or even a former manchair, and anyway we know it was shady because it wasn’t minuted, and the contents of the dynamite minute-that-never-was would jolly well prove it. If only it existed, that is.

The FM kept it simple. Mr Matheson was right, and Ms Davidson should put a truncheon in it.

In fact, said Ms Sturgeon, the Justice Secretary’s action wasn’t just “fine by me”, it was what she expected her Justice Secretary to do. She likes her ministers shady, that one.

Like all good sleuths, the FM also had a wacky theory. “I can’t help but think that what we are getting from Ruth Davidson is a deflection,” she mused, claiming Ms D was embarrassed her MPs had just voted – shock! – with other Tory MPs on Brexit.

“The Scottish Tories do not have a backbone between them,” Ms Sturgeon pronounced with the certainty of a quack pathologist. “They are nothing more than lobby fodder!”

Tory MSPs immediately hooted at the Nats, who are genetically immune to rebellion.

Labour’s Monica Lennon caused a stir by raising the “Get it minuted” campaign, which is urging ministers to minute their damn meetings for a change.

“The Scottish Government is fully committed to openness and transparency,” replied Mr Sturgeon to a great deal of open and transparent laughter.

“I agree with the campaign on the importance of ensuring appropriate records are taken.”

Just as long as they’re taken where no one can find them.