What a palaver. “Irrational,” they roared. “Discriminatory,” they bellowed. And that was just the gripes from the grumbling masses in the queue at The Herald canteen when news filtered through that they were doing away with the tattie scones and black pudding.

“They want to encourage healthier eating,” said a colleague, as he took a swig from his hip flask of cooking oil. “That’s fair enough,” replied the diarist as I attempted to ease the transition from greasy spoon to squeaky clean by munching on a clump of deep fried bracken.

Of course, all of this irrational behaviour here and discriminatory tactics there has been whipped up in the bamboozling world of Scottish football, an environment riven with so many conspiracy theories, the Roswell alien could land its UFO on the Hampden steps and nobody would bat an eyelid.

Neil Doncaster would probably invite it in to do a cup draw. It would be less peculiar than a half p***ed Rod Stewart, after all.

By all accounts, the decision to have Celtic playing a semi-final with Hearts in Auld Reekie, while Rangers and Aberdeen cross swords in Mount Florida, has gone down like the Hindenburg. “We want a ballot,” whined the Celtic bigwigs as they demanded a drawing of lots to decide who goes where. But be careful what you wish for.

Given the shaky history that the game’s fumbling, bumbling custodians have in the complex process of pulling balls out of a bowl, they probably would’ve fouled that procedure up to such an extent that Celtic would’ve ended up playing at the Grand Ole Opry before a Conway Twitty tribute act.

With boo-hooing Rangers men refusing to shake the hands of Livingston players after a defeat last weekend and the Bhoys now bubbling about the Betfred Cup, the toys have been getting tossed out of the pram by the cry babies of Glasgow.

With this in mind, the diarist is wondering if the new TV deal for Scottish fitba is actually with the CBeebies channel?

*Football … bloody hell. In a ding dong FA Youth Cup qualifying round against Nuneaton Borough, the never-say-die boys of Halesowen Town came back from 4-1 down at half-time, 7-2 down after an hour an 8-6 down with five minutes left to win 9-8.

“Right boys, that’s a good first half so let’s keep it tight,” said the Nuneaton boss at the interval. “Tighter than that,” he barked after 85 minutes. “Oh for the love of . . .” he gasped in the last minute. It’s a funny old game.

*Have you ever chewed your way through an entire edition of The Jeremy Kyle Show on morning pleb-ovision? No? Well don’t. It’s awful.

Lee Westwood is made of sterner stuff though as he was in the audience for this “confrontational talk show in which guests thrash out their conflicts, dilemmas and relationship issues.”

Apparently, it’s just like being in the US team room after a Ryder Cup loss.

*Gentlemen, start your engines. The 2018 National Bangers Championship is on in Ipswich. Carnage and chaos will be the order of the day as a line-up of cars career about in a maelstrom of motoring madness that makes the Wacky Races resemble the creeping cortege at a state funeral. The crash, bang, wallop is a bit like the underground car park at The Herald when space 42 gets double booked . . .

*By ‘eck. The Ryder Cup is coming to, er, Bolton. A property firm is looking to build a golf course, a swanky hotel and some hooses in the Hulton Park estate as part of a £240m project aimed at luring golf’s biggest team event to the town in 2026. Goodness knows what Bolton’s famous flat-cap wearing son, Fred Dibnah, would’ve made of it all.

“I set out as a steeplejack in my youth to preserve chimneys and I’ve finished by knocking most of them down,” he once said. With conservationists up in arms over the plans, this bold Bolton bid will no doubt collapse like a smokestack in an abandoned textile mill.

*The back slapping, celeb-fest of the Alfred Dunhill Links Championship is meandering on this weekend in St Andrews, Kingsbarns and Carnoustie. For the last couple of years, one of the glitzy amateur players involved was the actor Jamie Dornan, the star of steamy blockbuster 50 Shades of Grey. From mulling over lofted irons and tricky undulations on the sixth green, the golf writers had to get au fait with racy riding crops and kinky blindfolds as we delved into the world of erotic fiction. Unfortunately, Dornan is not competing in Scotland this time which means we have to revert back to our usual titillating tome that is Dave Pelz’s Short Game Bible . . .