It’s been quite the week for cloak-and-dagger espionage in the nip-and-tuck, cut-and-thrust world of football.
The clandestine capers of Leeds United and their veteran manager Marcelo Bielsa have whipped up such a spying stooshie down south, you wouldn’t be surprised if the Elland Road outfit fixed up loan deals for Illya Kuryakin and Napoleon Solo in the January transfer window.
In fact, Leeds are set to unveil a new strip which features a trench coat with an upturned collar and a pulled down hat which can only be purchased with a briefcase of encrypted documents that has been deftly exchanged in a nod-and-a-wink brush-past on the platform of the city’s railway station.
The beady-eyed Bielsa has admitted to dispatching one of his minions to sneakily peer in on Derby County’s training sessions prior to meetings between the two Championship sides this season which Leeds would go on to win.
He also confessed that his undercover reconnaissance missions have not been limited to Frank Lampard’s team.
“I watched the training sessions of all opponents,” said the man known as El Loco with big-brother-is-watching-you bravado.
Funnily enough, fans of struggling Partick Thistle are wishing Gary Caldwell would do the same in a bid to steal some kind of march on their relegation rivals.
Unfortunately, the embattled Jags gaffer has a hard enough job keeping his eyes on his own team’s training sessions.
When tales of Bielsa’s undercover activities first emerged, there was excited, hysterical talk of binoculars, camouflage gear, bolt-cutters, walkie-talkies, coded messages and daring skullduggery.
The rustling-in-the-bushes reality, however, made it look more like Bill Oddie examining the nesting habits of a great tit in an episode of Spring Watch.
“Great tit, you say?” noted the sports editor. “Aye, I think that’s what Frank Lampard muttered when Bielsa offered a hand shake at the final whistle.”
*In the land of the rising sun there’s been something of a setting son this week.
Japan’s last remaining home-grown sumo champion, Kisenisato Yutaka, announced his retirement after a long battle with injuries. Sound familiar?
“I feel I did everything I could,” Yutaka said during a news conference that was as tear-stained as an Andy Murray announcement.
“I was supported by so many people. I have nothing but gratitude.”
In 2017, Yutaka became the first Japan-born wrestler in almost 20 years to reach the rank of grand champion, known in Japanese as “yokozuna”.
And here’s the diarist thinking that was John Lennon’s wife?
*The Masters snooker is plodding along against the usual backdrop of fidgeting bums and bronchial coughs.
The diarist’s attention span has never been great. Indeed, my attention drifted just there, halfway through typing the word ‘span’.
Snooker is a slow burner which reminded the diarist of John Virgo’s wry observation that, “we didn’t have slow motion in my day, but we did have Terry Griffiths.”
*Footballers eh? Oxford United’s Gavin Whyte was captured on camera staggering through Belfast city centre in a semi-naked state and performing a lewd act after a boozy do.
The Northern Ireland player’s absurd antics were rightly condemned by club and country.
Given Oxford are in a relegation fight, it’s an escape from the drop that Whyte should be focussing on, ahem, pulling off.
Fore! The tweaks to the Rules of Golf have got tongues wagging and Spain’s Gonzalo Fernandez-Castano wasted no time in stirring things up.
One of the changes to the golfing dos and don’ts now allows players to tap down spike marks on the greens.
Back in 2013, when the action was still outlawed, Simon Dyson was given a suspended sentence and a hefty fine for such a breach.
Castano was quick to remind folk of this the other day. “Tapping down spike marks felt so weird,” he wrote on Twitter. “It will take some time to get used to it, unless you are Simon Dyson and you have been doing it for years.” Over to you Simon.
*For years, it has been choked by the weeds of despair. And no, it’s not the diarist’s back garden.
The good folk involved with bringing Cathkin Park back to life are doing a fine job. One year into a seven year labour of unbridled love, old terracing is re-emerging, the pitch wall is being repaired and the running track is getting levelled.
The hard-working group are making such progress, there are rumours that the directors at Spurs want them to go down and finish off redeveloping White Hart Lane . . .
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