YOU’RE only supposed to blow the bloody doors off. There was something of an Italian Job during the week as the Serie B tussle between Perugia and Brescia was blighted by some pinching and pillaging when it was discovered that the home team’s dressing room had been raided by opportunistic thieves.

Criminal activity in the cloak and dagger world of football is not new, of course. How many times, for instance, have you heard harrumphing managers trotting out the phrase “we had three points stolen from under our noses” in a wizened cliché that’s so old it tends to be accompanied by a British Pathe fanfare.

Back in ye day, black-and-white film reel regular, Leslie Banks, starred in the 1939 thriller, The Arsenal Stadium Mystery, a production that is apparently being rehashed this year in an attempt to shed some light on the reasons why Arsene Wenger has managed to cling on grimly at the Gunners.

The plunder at Perugia, meanwhile, led to a sizeable quarry being nabbed with jewellery and expensive watches all getting shoved in the swag bag. So, just your average incident during a Glasgow & District Sunday League encounter then?

As for the No 1 suspect in this audacious Italian heist? Why, it can only be the brassed off Chelsea manager, Antonio Conte, who was heard grousing and grumbling earlier in the week that, “I’m a coach with ambition but I have no money.” Look out for a clandestine Conte flogging his wonky wares at the Barras this weekend to bolster his transfer war chest ...

DUISBURG keeper, Mark Flekken, became something of a global oddity when he turned his back on play to take a swig from his water bottle as an Ingolstadt player gleefully knocked the ball into the unguarded net.

We’re still not sure if the phrase “get Flekken off” was an official tactical request from the bench or a withering curse from the stands. Every cloud has a silver lining, though. Flekken is now selling said bottle for charity and bids are already up to £800. Funnily enough, that’s about the same price you’d pay to Shifty Davy outside the Maryhill Tesco for a bottle of silver top during the crippling milk shortages brought on by last week’s Beast from the East.

STAYING with calamitous custodians, it will be 30 years since Ian Andrews endured a grisly Ibrox experience as a rampant Rangers stuck five goals past him on Old Firm day. The Celtic players still performed their post-match duties and a tearful fan’s mood was lifted when he was given a ball signed by the entire team … except for Andrews who could only get his finger tips to it when it was being passed around.

TO the pool and there were admirable aquatic achievements for 99-year-old Australian dooker, George Corones, who set a world record in his age group when he completed a 50-metre splashing dash in 56.12 seconds this week. That’s about two minutes quicker than the time it takes the diarist to gingerly extricate himself from his Speedos after a few vigorous bursts of the doggy paddle at the Gorbals Leisure Centre.

WHAT did he say? There were chortles in the lower reaches of the English game when Hemel Hempstead’s Sanchez Watt was sent-off for dissent against East Thurrock. When referee, Dean Hulme, approached Watt to book him and asked him his name, Watt responded with the necessaries and replied, “Watt”. Cue a Two Ronnies-eque palaver as the ref said “What?” and Watt came back with “Watt”. Having had enough of Watt’s perceived impudence, Hulme sent him off. Goodness knows what Hulme would have done if he was involved in a set-to with the Czech Republic stalwart, Milan Fukal.

'TIS the end of a glorious, sheepskin- shrouded era as John Motson commentates on his final live match today after, oh, 92 years behind the microphone. On a Hereford United pitch which looked like it had just been hit by a sustained artillery bombardment, Motson was famously thrust into the BBC’s FA Cup limelight in 1972 with that goal, those words and a terrifying invasion of duffel coats and parkas. Take it away Motty. “Tremendous spirit in this Hereford side, they’re not giving this up by any means. Radford, now Tudor’s gone down for Newcastle. Radford again, oh what a GOAL! WHAT a goal. Radford the scorer. Ronnie Radford ...”