Och aye Peru. The Herald’s chief football writer is off to Lima next week for the Scotland team’s jolly jaunt in Latin America.
“Do you know that one of Peru’s national dishes is roasted guinea pig?,” said the diarist. “That’s disgusting,” snorted this organ’s fitba’ expert before licking a dollop of four day old kebab sauce off the side of his shoe.
The Scottish press corps and the Tartan Army will be venturing forth and no doubt sampling a few Peruvian beverages to keep the morale up as the tour unfolds.
“Pisco?” the diarist suggested. “I probably will be by the time the plane gets in,” responded the South America-bound scribe.
Perched amid a desert strip between the Pacific Ocean and the Andes, Lima is one of the world’s largest desert cities.
The Scotland fans should feel quite at home there, then. They’ve endured such a barren spell over the past 20 years, they have to sweep arid sand dunes off the Hampden turnstiles.
Of course, when you think of Peru in a footballing sense, your mind immediately wanders back to the World Cup in 1978 when those boys in the white strip with the diagonal red stripe thumped Scotland 3-1.
Read more: Motherwell hero Steve Kirk grateful to be here for chance to witness Hampden history
The names of those pesky Peruvians still send shivers down the Scottish spines. Chumpitaz, Cubillas, Oblitas? They fairly whipped-oor-ass.
“Will you get to see Machu Picchu when you’re out there?,” the diarist enquired as oor man zipped up his suitcase.
“Hopefully, but I think he’s struggling with a gammy hamstring,” came the informed response.
There hasn’t been this much musical excitement in Motherwell since the toon’s rock god, Doogie White, auditioned to be the singer with Iron Maiden.
The Steelmen’s Scottish Cup song, Up The Well, is rocketing up the iTunes download charts and is ahead of a host of big name artists.
If Motherwell do scupper Celtic’s tilt at an historic treble, Brendan Rodgers has apparently promised to do a karaoke version of Meat Loaf’s ‘Two out of three ain’t bad’ in the Saracen Heid to temper the disappointment.
It’s the Royal Wedding today and the diarist is already looking forward to purchasing a commemorative dish cloot and a decorative thimble.
In other glamorous couplings, meanwhile, Allan McGregor has hitched up with Rangers again. Loyal and Royal? “We are the people,” said the Queen upon hearing the news before asking McGregor if he’d walk Meghan Markle up the aisle.
Gloucester Rugby Club has changed its crest for the first time in a decade but officials have told die-hard fans with the old badge tattooed on various parts of their anatomy that they will pay for a re-inking with the new design as a goodwill gesture.
The body art says a lot about a person, of course. As Chic Murray used to observe, “she’s a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.”
The celebrated American golfer, Doug Ford, passed away this week at the ripe old age of 95.
Read more: Return of Allan McGregor a ‘great move’ for Rangers, says Sasa Papac
Back in 1959, Ford hitched a lift on the ill-fated British charter flight to the Ryder Cup. Hitting severe turbulence, the plane dropped 700 feet in just a few seconds and all on board were left in a terrified fankle.
“There was a fellow called Lou Freedman who was PGA vice-president,” recalled Peter Alliss. “When he got off the plane, Ron Heager of the Daily Express said to him, ‘Lou, I nearly s**t myself up there’, and Lou said, ‘I’ve got news for you … I did’. And he rushed off. Christ, what a mess.”
Talk about flying by the heap in your pants ...
Staying with, ahem, moving experiences, Sergio Garcia is clearly enjoying the emotional highs of being a daddy.
His two-month-old daughter, Azalea, is the apple of Sergio’s dewy-eye. Coochy-cooing here, euphoric gushes there, blurbings and blubberings everywhere?
Wee Azalea can do no wrong and like all new dads, Garcia worships the ground she doesn’t quite crawl on.
“She’s the cutest, she sleeps great and she’s unbelievable,” drooled the Spaniard during a press conference at the recent Players’ Championship. “She even has the nicest number twos ever.”
In these early days, folk do say you have to cherish every move a baby makes.
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